Some lessons learned stand the test of time, as demonstrated in this post from Diane Johnson Flynn who shares evergreen coaching advice, the key to asking power questions and explains why this approach works.
Simon Sinek’s TED Talk Start With Why has long been one of my favorites. So, I was surprised when, at my first coaching training, I learned that one of the golden rules of coaching is to never start a question with “Why.”
Naturally, I asked, “Why not?”
The instructor offered two compelling reasons:
Asking why can imply judgment.
It can make the other person feel defensive.
Curious, I decided to test this theory myself.
Over lunch with my teenage son at his favorite Palo Alto diner, I resisted the urge to ask, “Why do you want that summer job?” Instead, I tried a few “power questions”:
“What about that job is meaningful to you?”
“How do you see that job contributing to your growth?”
“What do you want out of the experience?”
To my surprise, the conversation shifted. Gone were the defensive “Because, Mom…” responses. In their place, a genuine conversation emerged—one about his interests, aspirations, and values. We ended up talking for 20 minutes—an impressive feat with a 17-year-old—without tension or resistance.
I’ve since brought this same approach to my work helping women relaunch careers after time away. Many are navigating uncertainty about what’s next, and “what” and “how” questions often lead to meaningful introspection. In one recent coaching session where I was the client, I began with a practical question: “How do I get my book written?” But my coach’s reframing changed everything:
Key points include:
- The limitations of ‘why’
- Reducing defensiveness
- Rich discussion
Read the full article, Don’t ask WHY: The art of powerful questions, on LinkedIn.